Up and Doing

Not enough

I am an outsider,
Watching through the cracks in the wall,
A world I don't know,
I want to be a part of it all.
I can see the door right there,
But I can't go in,
I don't have the right key,
I search and search,
The bunch holds too much,
My persistence unlocks,
A whole new world,
I'm Alice in a wonderland of my own.
I try to explore,
I try to own this journey,
But the path is blurry,
I can't seem to find my way,
Where to go, I don't know!
Scratched and wounded ,
I find myself in the midst of it all,
I'm so out of place,
The looks actually scathe,
My tears burn my face,
I run away,
I wasn't invited.
Why did I try?
Why did I dive?
Why does it always come to this?
It always ends,
It's always rejection,
I'm screaming on the inside,
Despair echoes deep in my soul,
I just don't want to be alone!
I don't want to be alone.
I want to fit in,
I don't want to cry myself to sleep,
I want to hold hands with someone,
I want to feel the heat with someone,
I want to laugh with someone,
I want to cry with someone,
Not alone.
Not anymore.
It has simply become
Not enough,
It never was.
Forgive me if I barrel into your life,
Forgive me if I smile at you,
I'm sorry if I give you a hug,
I'm sorry cus I'll hold your hand too long,
What I have without you
Is not enough for me,
Not anymore.

I unknowingly search for your face in the crowd
My heart longs for a glimpse of you
You're the one I don't know
Yet you're the one on my mind
Our meeting was misplaced
A chance encounter that almost never happened
You made me blush to my roots
It wasn't just your words
It wasn't just your eyes
It was you
All of you, telling me the same thing
"You're beautiful"
I looked away
I couldn't bear the intensity of your gaze
You were beautiful too
Your brows
Your hair
Your proud nose
The curve of your lips into a smile
Drawing me to you.
I wonder about you
This boy on my mind
Who are you?
Where are you?
I wonder what we could have been
Probably more than friends
But I might never know
You didn't get down from the cab.

Looking at someone with new eyes,
Means realizing things you never have,
Means doing things you've never done.
Before I met you,
All I saw were blue skies,
Now all I see are blue cars.
Before I met you,
Black was just the colour of my jeans.
Now it's the colour of your skin.
Conversations play in my head,
Over and over,
Words mold and become bold.
You're trying to figure me out,
How am I supposed to figure you out?
Nervous eyes and shy smiles,
Meet looks I'm not sure I can define.
I wonder about your life,
What it's like,
Why you think it's so sad.
I ponder on your kindness,
Are there motives you hide?
I am getting overwhelmed by your easy smile,
By that look in your eyes.
You're running from something.
You can't seem to get away.
But you keep going from place to place.
You drive fast but it keeps its pace.
You're good at keeping up this façade.
You think no one can see beyond the lift of your brows.
Or the charm you seem to douse yourself in,
I've seen the unease in your eyes,
The pain you try to hide.
I've seen the skeletons on your face,
I've seen the scars wedged in your soul
I've seen more than you'll ever know.
Now that you're not around,
I think I can be calm.
I think my heart can beat to its own tune again.
I think I can see blue skies again.
Now that you're gone,
I hope your heart will heal,
I hope your pain will fade away,
Now that you're gone,
I hope I'll see you again.