Up and Doing

"BE YOURSELF", I think I heard this phrase about a thousand times when I was growing up. What am I saying? I'm still growing up. "When I was younger" seems more appropriate. At first, I didn't understand. It didn't even matter. I just sang along to the songs and enjoyed the movies and life went on.
I got into secondary school very young. I was 9. I was happy, I didn't think I would get in but I did. People always dread their first days at a new school, I was just ready to start school. I had fun that day but some things started to happen to me.
  I discovered that unconsciously, I started trying to talk like other people, walk like other people and even laugh like other people. It became a habit. I met a lot of girls who were prettier than me, taller than me, funnier than me and I wanted to be like them. I didn't like myself the way I was cus I didnt think anyone liked me the way I was. So If everyone thinks "Tanya" has a cute laugh, why don't I laugh like Tanya?
  I left my junior secondary school after my third year there. It was time for Senior Secondary. And guess what, it was a military school.
   I need some thriller music in the background.
   My parents sent me to a place where nightmares and bullies and evil soldiers ruled. A place where the guys were all WWE champions ( locally of course) and all the girls were ninjas and spies.
  The above paragraph is merely fictional. You may open your mind again.
  Okay, Command, I won't say which one, was nothing like I expected. As opposed to the rumours, I had civilian teachers; I wasn't taken to the guard room for every single thing I did wrong and I wasn't doomed. It was actually fun.
   I was the new girl and everyone wanted to talk to, play with, sit with, be friends with and maybe even deceive. For the first time ever, I was famous ( exaggeration! Maybe popular is a better word) And I didn't even have to try. I just had to go to school. It was nice. After a while, things died down but I was still popular.
  In Senior high, I was more confident, happier to be myself but I still compared myself to other girls, a lot and came up with the shorter end of the stick. I still wasn't madly in love with myself but there was a change. There was progress.
  In my new school, I realized that boobs and ass weren't everything to guys. Curvy Cs and Double Ds weren't a common commodity as opposed to where I was coming from. Sometimes, all it took was being a girl. I started to like guys, a lot. I would have crush after crush after crush. I was 12 or 13, of course I wanted true love. I still do. But I didn't actually date till I left secondary school. I was a total nun . Where my halo at?

I know I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm sorry. I had a burnout, writer's block, whatever you want want to call it. I'm going to be a better blogger, so help me God. Amen!

    Hello, to anyone reading this. I sometimes wonder if anyone reads these things I post but I guess that most successful people probably had the same insecurities. I'm supposed to be in bed dreaming dreams about Sunday Service and other wonderful things but here I am, sitting in the living room, writing this... With a torchlight. The light *cough*.. I mean generator went off about an hour ago and I don't expect any electricity till 7:30pm tomorrow, when the gen comes on. Poor guy, the gen I mean.
    I feel awfully melancholic tonight. Have you ever felt this way? Sigh.. I dunno where this is going, I hardly do when I write, I just Idina Menzel my way through. I write on paper first before I type. Partially to improve my handwriting and partially because I flow better that way. I just hope someone who reads this can relate. I hope I brighten someone's day or put a smile on a face or two when they realize they're not really alone.. That someone out there feels the exact same way.. . Unsure of how they feel. Sigh... The dogs are barking again.
    Then maybe these are just the mindless rants of a young woman in Lagos, Nigeria who feels melancholic at this very moment. My solution? I'll talk to God about it, play music, dance, drink water and go to bed. What's your solution?

    Today, my mum told me that it took her over 3 days to give birth to me. She went into Labour on the 11th and was placed on admission in a hospital close to our house before she was moved to Ayinke house, LASUTH, Lagos. Basically she started on the 11th and she had me on the 14th. It was a Monday. On that day, the sun must have been so beautiful and the sky so blue and blah blah blah. I was eventually birthed through a C-section and several years later, I'm just finding out.
    Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm so excited. Guess what? I have plans. Yay! Two years ago, I had the worst birthday ever. The worst. Apart from my family only about 5 people wished me a happy birthday. I was miserable! I had classes on that day till 6pm! Sigh.. Enough venting.. For now. *insert evil smirk*.
    Anyways back to my plans. I was so stumped about what to do. Movie? Nehh! Party? Blehh! That's it. My span of ideas for a birthday. Sigh again. I know, I know. Anyway, I decided to ask the Giver of all for a birthday idea and I got one that pleases me immensely. I'm going to the Lekki Conservation Centre and the Palms shopping Mall, both in Lekki, Lagos. The island (Lagos island) has always held a special charm for me. There's just something magical about it. Call me crazy, I'll still think so. I mean, there's the iconic ocean, the beaches, the tall buildings, the sand in your shoes, the general tushness of that area speaks to me.
     What influenced my choices? The Lekki Conservation Centre is a wild life reserve centre and it's amazing that I've never heard of it before this week. I mean, I know I'm a house rat and all but a wild life resort in Lagos?? Thank you Google. I love nature and sightseeing. The two-in-one package is irresistible for me. And then I've never been to the Palms Shopping Mall. I can't wait to unleash myself on a mall that boasts of over 30 shops.
   I'll tell y'all all about it. See you on the other side and happy new year to me and all April born. Muah!

   I've loved and lost a lot in my not so long life on earth. I'm talking about people... friends, ex friends or whatever those are called. I've been feeling nostalgic for a couple of days, a week maybe? What can say? I miss some people and as for some others, I can't believe I ever had anything to do with them.
   There's a song I used to love.it It simply said "no matter what happens I've got my friends". It was a nice touching sentiment but sometimes, friends lie, friends aren't genuine, sometimes they use you, hurt you, sometimes friends leave you. Sometimes your friends aren't really your friends and it's all fun and games till you need them. I'm really not against having friends as long as you know who they really are.
    You know, I've always wanted a bff (best friend forever) but I don't think it's in God's plan for my life. Some of my best friends and I lost touch cus of school, misunderstandings and sometimes it was because I realized that I was the only one who was really willing to give or go the extra mile. Have you ever done something for someone that cost you something? Then imagine the pain when you realize they wouldn't do the same for you.
    I've moved into a hostel in school very recently and I find myself wanting friends around me. The problem is I'm too socially awkward to flow with everyone or just anyone. A lot of people think I'm amazing but still I don't have that one friend (or more, I really don't mind) that I can call my ride or die. We always lose touch, drift apart, fight... Something. I've become a lone ranger as a result. Learned to be happy by myself
   Sometimes, you don't realize you've learnt a lesson until something happens more than once. You do exactly the same things and hope for something different each time. You're actually quite mad according to a wise guy who's dead.
    I guess I just feel old because I know how different I've become. I have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders and a lesser number of people I can call my friends. I miss some of the ones I've lost. My ex best friend, some that tried to get out of the friend zone and some that I'm just too shy to say hello to. Its kind of amazing that I used to be close to some people and now I barely know what to say to then.
    And then there are some people I will just never miss. Ever. Like never ever ever ever never ever. Keep your Justin Bieber comebacks, thank you very much. - Damimyne

  I went to the 2015 Maritime Expo to find out more about the maritime sector. I did. It was a 3 day program that involved seminar sessions and an exhibition. I only went for one day and I assumed it would be boring because I went alone but it really wasn't.
  I got more than I bargained for because I met someone I'd like to call the man of my dreams. He was tall, dark, not overly handsome plus (When I say plus, I mean PLUS!!) he was wearing a suit! And he had a beard! He was just wonderful to peek at.
  You know that almost awkward situation where you look and find someone's eyes on you. You both look away and when you return the favour they catch you staring as well. Yea... It was kinda like that. I was just so enthralled by his unparalleled aura. I mean he wasn't the most handsome guy in the room but he stood out.
   Just before the session started, Everyone was ushered into the hall to be used. I found a seat and stayed with my phone while looking around. I couldn't help but notice that dream man knew about every body. He was saying hi to a lot of people.
   He walked up or down to greet someone sitting right in front of me and for some reason, I felt the need to check his ring finger. It wasn't bare. He was married. That poured icy water all over my dreaminess. Yuck!
   I told almost every girl I met in school for the next few days about the man of my dreams but it always ended with the tragic line "He's married"...

I want to go somewhere
Somewhere not here.
I want to go somewhere
Somewhere far away.
I want to go to a place
A place where dreams come true

Where life is simple;
Where things are easy;
Where it's not too hot;
Where it's not too cold;
Where the breeze brings joy;
Where the sun brings laughter.

I want to go somewhere,
Somewhere people don't cry;
Somewhere they don't fall sick;
Somewhere they never die.
I want to go somewhere,
Somewhere real,
Somewhere that really exists,
And is not just in my head.

I want to escape,
I want to be free,

I want to be me.

I want to go somewhere, 

Somewhere called paradise

   So last night, my dad told me about a member of our extended family that had just died.
"That's sad", I said, my voice flat.
" Yes, it is." He agreed.
   After that encounter, I realized with a start that I didn't feel even the tiniest twinge of pity or sadness. Why would I? I didn't know her. I don't think I ever met her and if I did, I don't remember. I don't even have an idea of what she looks like. All I know is that she was an old lady and we were related.
   But... She just died. And she was a mother and a sister and a friend. That should make me feel bad, right? It doesn't. I just feel bad because I don't feel bad. Does that make sense?
   I've realized that I can be detached from my emotions sometimes. And then people react strongly to some things around me and I can't even find it in me to sigh.
   Anyway the burial is today. She's probably a Muslim. And in 40 days, people will gather round to eat and drink and celebrate someone's death. I'm not sure I understand why we do that. Oh. I just remembered it's called a 'Celebration of Life'. I'll probably be there but I'll try to avoid going.
   I mean, if she was sick, I didn't know and even if I knew, I wouldn't have cared much. If she had needs, I never heard about them. If she was sad, I wasn't there to comfort her. I don't even know her name. And then someone tell me what it is I'm celebrating? The life I was never part of? The joys and sorrows I never knew about? Or her death probably with a slaughtered cow or ram and half a bag of rice and over 500 guests and "wellwishers". We can't leave them out.
   I hope I don't sound sadistic. I really didn't mean to. I'm just having a hard time accepting the way life and society are. It's a bit disgusting. And then I just feel bad because I don't feel bad.

The first time I met this guy, he literally tried to buy me. I can still remember the smug look on his face. I told him I was priceless tho. Turns out he's really a softie with a big heart.

Who?
I am Dare Asobele

What?
I do a lot of things, by God's grace I will be a lawyer from December 16th 2015. I also have this Lil business of making healthy fruit juice to help reduce stress and help in weight loss. Most importantly I love giving back to the society with my NGO group known as ExecutivesInitiative where I and a couple of friends have an event called The charity.

Why?
I care about The Charity event, cause I feel like no one cares about anyone else apart from themselves and selfish related goals and we should be able to take at least once a year if not everday and make a couple of kids laugh during this festive period. I see the hope and dreams these kids have and it breaks my heart I can't do much, but I Will start and hopefully someday I hope God makes me make their dreams come through. I don't do this for people to say I am nice and caring, in fact I might be annoying and crazy at times but I just want to see Nigerian kids that don't have anything to be able to give back someday.

How?
Doing it, has it's ups and down. We are not registered and also funds are personal funds. We just send bcs and also disturb our uncles and aunties. Also we get help from small groups and now bloggers help us send the word out there. But I make sure with the little we have, we do much. This is the 3rd year. This year it is called #Thecharity2015.

Where?
This year, the charity is visiting 3 orphanage homes and two communities

When?
The charity 2015 takes place on the 23rd of December.

To participate kindly follow us on Twitter @Executivesinc and Instagram @ExecutivesInitiative and like our Facebook page and check out old pictures of wat we are about www.facebook.com/executivesinitiative
Kindly support #Thecharity2015 by filling this online. Click the link and Help the Kids https://goo.gl/39t691

Here is a little something extra from the big guy.

Charity begins at home, but should spread to our communities.
Think about how much of an impact you can make by donating clothes, shoes, school bags and books; ‎by giving toys; ‎by helping out; by smiling at a kid.
Now don't just think! Do! Give! Help! Smile! Donate!
It's incredible how much of an impact you can make by simply taking one day out of 365 days to contribute to a child's happiness and a communities' delight especially in this very special season.

Be part of this experience. Call the following numbers if you want to participate on that day:

(Dare) +2347087759673, +234816 748 8754‎
(Fikayo)+2348079352613, +2348097875070 ‎
(Boro) +234 809 619 2819

God bless you as you donate
‎

   So my blog is a year old today. I'm a proud mother, blogger, a shy writer and I have honestly thought about dumping this baby more than a few times but I didn't. I can't say there's a specific reason I started cus I really can't remember any.
   I think I did okay for my first year. Like 4/10 okay. But that's okay, I guess. I'm grateful to God for inspiration and for making me the way I am. I wouldn't be as awkward and entertaining otherwise.
   Like I'll tell anyone, I never actually thought I could write or compose anything. In fact, I still can't write good fiction to save my life but I discovered I could write about me, what goes on in my head and what happens around me. Today, someone called me an alien because of a quote I thought up ( it's part of an upcoming post). I honestly felt flattered. My grin could not be contained.
   I remember once writing an essay that got my teacher so excited she insisted on getting it printed in our school magazine. I didn't see what the big deal was, I just wrote what I heard in the news. I really can't remember the topic now, it was over 3 years ago.
   This post feels so distended and not well put together but that's okay. My baby blog is one! She survived all those infancy attacks! Like every mother, I hope she grows up healthy and strong.

    A friend once told me that if I ever went to his village, I shouldn't dare put my hand out the window of whatever vehicle I'm in because some very nice people would help me hack it off! He didn't call them nice people but I think they are nice, don't you? I dunno if this actually happens in Nigeria ( I dunno the name of the village) but I've heard it from more than one person. I guess there must be an element of truth in that short description.
   I thought it was quite hilarious back then, I still think it is. I mean, isn't it just ridiculously funny that some people would go to the stressful and bloody extent of cutting my hand off while I'm in a moving vehicle. All that for me? All that just cus I wanted a little breeze on my hand!?
   But I probably won't get such courtesy if I needed a place to stay for the night in an unfamiliar place with no money for a hotel. I don't think I'd get such courtesy if my purse got stolen and I was stranded. Any stressful or bloody efforts here? No? The "purse and strand" thing happened to a friend of mine. She found out her situation when she was in a bus. When she got down from this bus she'd paid the fare for, she begged the conductor and driver to return the money she had paid. They zoomed off.
   I don't think that either the still missing Chibok girls or their families are getting such wonderful kindness. It's been 604 days since the kidnap and 219 girls are still reported missing. Any stressful or bloody efforts here? No?
   It is broadly accurate to say that over 13,000 people have been killed in Nigeria's insurgency according to Africacheck . 13,000 human beings have died within the space of 5 years and all some people care about is where I put my hands or what I say on the internet.
   Thousands of years ago, Cain asked God, "Am I my brother's keeper?", right after he killed this brother. Each and everyday, Nigerians all over the world ask the same question with words, actions and thoughts. And I still think it's hilarious.

He's someone I haven't seen in a long time. Is three years long enough? We met in 2012, the year I graduated from high school and he's one of the few people who's made effort to keep in touch. A few weeks ago he called me, and we talked for an hour, in the afternoon, in Nigeria. I can't remember over half of the conversation but it was great.
   He schools in Enugu but he came back to Lagos last week. I just had to see him. He tried to see me last year but I kinda stood him up cus I had classes. We agreed that today was the best day to meet. And our meeting point? Ikeja City Mall (ICM). If you live in Lagos and you've ever tried to hangout with friends, you'll understand that good hangout spots that are cheap are almost impossible to find. If you disagree, send me an email. Please.
  I window shopped at MRP while waiting for him (yea, the big teddy was late) and I thought it was really creepy that a security guard, who was probably supposed to make sure no one was shop lifting, tried to show me bras because they were cheap. They were 32a bras that went for N400 which he claimed were my size. I slipped away inch by inch. And gave him a look that said "okaaaye".
  Finally he arrived, 21 minutes late and we decided to watch a movie, Southpaw, after arguing about what movie to watch for almost 10 minutes. It was a cool movie about a boxer who lost his wife, destroyed his career and almost lost his daughter and later got it back together. I don't think I want to do a movie review. PS. His wife died.
  After the movie, I dragged him into shoprite on a hunt for nutri C Fruit and Veg. Fuel isn't as scarce that thing. Even Shoprite didn't have it. Then I decided to walk around the whole of Shop rite, playing hide and seek in between aisles. It gave me an idea of how shopping with my husband will be when I get married. Absolute fun! We got to the section for bathing soap, deodorant and hair products, this lady gave me a flier for a relaxer kit. I was mortified, horrified and terrified. Why? I have natural hair, that's why. How could she? I'm a bit of a drama queen and I'm sure she regretted talking to me at the end of our conversation. I was actually shaken up but I didn't take offence.
  I left ICM wishing I could stay with my friend but the goodbyes had to be said. As I write this, I am currently in a bus on my way home and the seat is just hard.
  Sayonara!
Ps. I really am learning Spanish.

   I grew up desperately wanting to be normal. I wanted to be like other girls (I've been told I look like Mulan). I wanted to belong but I just didn't fit in. Any where. No matter how hard I tried
   Very recently I found out that acceptance is as essential to a man as healthy food. And acceptance is not something I ever got. When you eat unhealthy food, your body's immunity drops. Think of acceptance as healthy food for your mind.
  As an artist, I tend to want to express myself in ways not understood by many. From my parents to my friends to my family and It hurts a lot to think that the people who brought me into this world don't know my likes, dislikes or my favourite things to do
  At a point, I didn't know who I was. I didn't even like who I was. I just wanted to be someone else. I would cry myself to sleep begging God to change me. I'm so glad he didn't listen. Because I wasn't accepted unconditionally, I felt something was wrong with me. I felt like I was weird, a freak of nature. But you know me, I always smiled.
  I'm the kind of person that just laughs or smiles for seemingly for no reason. My pastor told me that my mind works like a clock. I think about something, forget all about it and then it comes back to me several minutes or hours afterwards. By this time, the people I'm talking to have moved on with their lives and I just look odd.
  I joined Streams of Divine Life in March, this year. It is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I found a family. People who love me, value me and make me feel important, like I'm worth something precious and most importantly, people who accept me the way I am but are open to my growth and improvement. I love each and every member of my spiritual family.
  They get that I'm quirky, bossy, hyper, weird and they love me for it. I even got my own nickname.
  Acceptance is a very strong and powerful thing. I feel more at home with these wonderful people than with my own biological family. I feel complete.

I can't remember how many times I've wished that as I journey in my "legedez benz", a rich, tall, dark or fair ( I don't discriminate) and handsome ( I might discriminate on this) man with a beard, would stop by me in his expensive car and get down just to talk to me. We'd have a great conversation and blah blah blah... That was getting out of hand.
  But oh my, the daydreams I have. If only stuff like that happened in real life. I'd have met my Christian Grey by now and he'd wait till we got married. And we'd live happily ever after.
  I must admit that in the midst of reality, I've been caught up in one or two fantasies especially when it comes to love and relationships. When you're my age, idealistic and fictional books are your escape, it's perfectly normal. It's also dangerous.
  I'm a fan of true love but I try to be realistic which can be hard because love really is blind. You don't realize how stupid you were until you fall out. I hope I haven't gotten to the point of cynicism but I believe that finding one of the most wanted criminals in the world, love, is harder than finding water during a drought. We live in a screwed up world. One where good things are stupid and bad things are crazy and cool at the same time (this is quite subjective).
   About five cars stopped for me in October. Yes, I've been counting Recently, (I actually mean last night)  I was walking to my hostel, at night if I might add.. again, and then my prayers were answered or so I thought. He seemed nice enough when he pulled over and I was pleasantly surprised because I felt like I looked like a screp! He insisted on giving me a ride and I, being tired as I was, let him.
   He didn't touch me but his words were invasive enough. He soon had me wishing I hadn't bothered stopping to listen to him. At a point, he asked what I was thinking about.
  "I'm thinking about my bed." I was really sleepy.
  "Why don't you think about mine?" Or something like that was all he said. I'd had enough. I escaped and luckily for me, he didn't try and stop me. My fairy tale wasn't going as dreamt. I should have known it wouldn't. His car wasn't expensive enough, and he didn't have a beard. That should have warned me but no, I just had to believe he was a Prince Charming rescuing a damsel in distress, that he was being nice out of the goodness of his heart. Puhleeeze.
   I'll try again some other time, later on. Like later later on. For now, I guess it's okay to daydream once in a while. Hopefully, I will be wiser then and see a man without a beard for what he is, a man without a beard.

 
This was written on the 25th of October 2015.

So.... I posted something one month after promising to be a better blogger. What can I say?
I'll start with my apologies. I'm so sorry. I know my followership base isn't so strong yet but some people expect better from me.
Life has been happening and I've been struggling with inspiration amongst other things. I've been wondering tho, maybe this shouldn't be about just one awkward black girl.  I've realized that girls and guys all around the world have stories to share. Stories that will touch hearts and give life. I'm searching for them. And I'm bringing them here.
  If you have a story to share, don't be shy. Say hi, send me a mail on fadeore@gmail.com.

This is Damimyne saying hi and bye. 

The men in my life
The men in my life are selfish
The men in my life are vain
The men in my life use me
The men in my life breed hate
I can't seem to let go of the men in my life
If I do, I'll be alone.
I'd have the women but they don't understand.
I'd have to meet new men.
But then, they'll become the men in my life, selfish and vain.

Sometimes, I wonder about him.
He won't be one of them.
He'll be my man and I'll be his woman.
He'll love me, he'll care and he'll share.
He won't use me, he'll let me grow,
He won't let me go.
He'll be the only man in my life.
I know he exists because I was made with care.
And since God made me with care, he surely made someone to care.

This is a prayer, a song my heart beats the drum to.
This is for my man.
I'll sing it to him when we're old and grey.
I don't know him yet I love him. He is afterall, my man.

Don't you just have selfie moments? You just feel the urge to take a selfie. I do. So I took one. Don't let the bad things that happen to you steal your smiles and your joy. Just pose and smile, there won't always be a camera but someone is always watching

What's in a name?
It's just a tag to show you came
Unfortunately, we're all tagged
I tried to hide mine
but they found me
Now they want to drown me
Who am I?
What am I?
Why am I here?
Questions I have no answer to.
But I do know that I am something,
I know that i am here.
Why do you want something that isn't there?
You asked for his name,
But I ask: who is he?
He's not you
He doesn't matter.
So tell me your name...
But then again, what's in a name?