Looking at someone with new eyes,
Means realizing things you never have,
Means doing things you've never done.
Before I met you,
All I saw were blue skies,
Now all I see are blue cars.
Before I met you,
Black was just the colour of my jeans.
Now it's the colour of your skin.
Conversations play in my head,
Over and over,
Words mold and become bold.
You're trying to figure me out,
How am I supposed to figure you out?
Nervous eyes and shy smiles,
Meet looks I'm not sure I can define.
I wonder about your life,
What it's like,
Why you think it's so sad.
I ponder on your kindness,
Are there motives you hide?
I am getting overwhelmed by your easy smile,
By that look in your eyes.
You're running from something.
You can't seem to get away.
But you keep going from place to place.
You drive fast but it keeps its pace.
You're good at keeping up this façade.
You think no one can see beyond the lift of your brows.
Or the charm you seem to douse yourself in,
I've seen the unease in your eyes,
The pain you try to hide.
I've seen the skeletons on your face,
I've seen the scars wedged in your soul
I've seen more than you'll ever know.
Now that you're not around,
I think I can be calm.
I think my heart can beat to its own tune again.
I think I can see blue skies again.
Now that you're gone,
I hope your heart will heal,
I hope your pain will fade away,
Now that you're gone,
I hope I'll see you again.
Today, I met a lord.
Introduction to real life had dulled his sword.
His swagger had lost its bearing.
His Igbo accent wasn’t as glaring.
Oh my lord, what happened to your soul?
You were always ready to argue
Rearing to go
Now your eyes have lost their sparkle
I wonder what has happened
The most shocking part of it all is that you did not even try.
Remember that joke dry
You've changed in some ways
But it's not written on your face.
After all this, what can I say?
It was nice to meet you again,
My lord
I've decided to start a series. In my Exodus. I've been trying to write for a while but it's so hard because I can't relate to any of the things I used to. I'm going through something on the inside and it's changing me. I guess I can say I'm transitioning. This transition is painful but interesting. I'm discovering some things about myself that have stared at me for years and that I never knew.
I'm growing up. I'm becoming a woman and it's quite grounding. This is like the only thing I can relate to for now. I hope you enjoy it and can relate too. I don't know how long this will last. The Israelites did stay 40 in the wilderness. God had to get them to a point of newness. Pushing out the old. Studying the journey of the Israelites has actually taught me a few things about myself. It's crazy but I see myself in "Leviticus", grumbling and dragging my feet like God's people in "Numbers". I have issues with that thing in my chest called a heart. I'm struggling to hold on to my comfort zones but they aren't working for me anymore. Israel was used to way of Life in Egypt. They were slaves but they were comfortable where they were. The wilderness was to prepare them for a new way of life, even among pagan nations. I'm kind of like that right now. Comfortable in the chains I have created for myself. But, I am on a journey to my promised land, receiving my own manna, grumbling, repenting, learning and growing. I'm in my wilderness. In my Exodus. It took 40 years for a nation to be exactly as God wanted. I hope my journey won't be as long
 |
| All that is in my life right now. |
Hi there, human being or alien. Today, I made a most shocking discovery about myself. I don't have a life. It's shameful but true. My life has become what school, people and some circumstances have made it to be. Right now I feel a large void in the aspect of how to spend my time. It wasn't always like this. I did make the discovery only today.
Before now, I had a best friend. A guy. At least I thought I did. But what happens when your best friend of many months tells you that he's not who you think he is and you've been friends with a lie all that time. I was like: WAWU. I was hurt. I mean who pretends to be someone they're not to make another person happy?
I crushed the friendship. HS wanted me to end it as well. But now I'm here asking myself questions. Who am I? Who really am I? Aren't I good enough? That someone would pretend so much hurts a lot. I really thought we were friends.. And the most important question of all: What am I going to do now?
I know that I must move on and never go back. I know that I must try new things. I know I must discover myself. And I know that I must make new friends.
Being in a college or a university is very different from being in high school but it's really not that different. The main variation is the amount of freedom and then again, that really depends on the kind of parents you have. The awareness that no one back home knows what you're doing, and that you can't be punished or scolded. And then you go wild. If you're like me, you aren't really close to your parents and you don't have mentors or role models or the right guidance so it's easier to get lost. To fit in and flow with the river of sameness and unoriginality. Finding and extricating yourself is harder than getting in.
I'd like to tell you a nice, interesting story of how I lost and found myself but sadly or maybe luckily, it didn't happen. I didn't go wild and start partying like crazy. I didn't become a first class bitch. Third class maybe. But almost never on purpose. Why? because I was heart broken.
Imagine a situation where your boyfriend or girlfriend dumps you on one day that was supposed to be a very important one for you, like your matriculation day. He or she is even supposed to be there with you and for you but you get a break up text.It shattered me though I never let on. I had friends and family to be there for and a life to live. Have you ever had to restrain yourself from crying in a public place? Like a bus. You really want to give in but you remember all those people around you and you realize you might become an overnight Youtube celebrity if you don't hold it. Tough choice, I know. But I didn't become a Youtube celebrity. Big girls don't cry.
So I moved on from boy to boy to boy, desperately looking for love when it was with me all that time. Not in a boy but in my heavenly father. It's crazy how a few words from him can calm your worst fears. I'm not a perfect sister. I'm still a big work in progress but I realized that I had to wait for the love I was desperately searching for it would come at its time.
It's a new year and I'm moving on, I'm growing and I will not follow the tide. I will be my awkward self even if I get laughed at or made fun of. Why should you be bothered by the opinions of people who don't care about you? The people you have to impress or look good for don't care.. except they're your boss,
I'm writing from a place of pain but in that pain, I have peace because God loves me.
p.s I hope no one in my family reads this till I'm 50!
