Dear O,
If your memory is that rusty, I'll remind you. A week of not picking your calls or replying your msgs. A day after law dinner.. Around 7 in the morning. I called you out of your hostel because I wanted answers to some questions. Answers you ended up not giving because you "diplomatically" (I’m not even sure that's a word) pushed them away. I wanted to know what was going on with you and my classmate, C and about this girl I know I saw on your phone. I know I said I didn't want a relationship and I know I wasn't the only girl in your life at that time but the evidence was too much to bear. I almost went crazy wondering and wondering and thinking. I think a lot and guy, I didn't even know what to think. I was just thinking.
And after the romantic stroll on the lagoon front and breakfast at mavise. After all the butterflies and electricity and chemistry ( legit, the chemistry was mad and I’ve never felt anything like it) and biology. After everything, I made one of the best decisions I've ever made in my incomplete lifespan. I chose Jesus and let you go. And I don't care what you believe or don't believe. I actually do not care. I know Jesus and he didn't live a life of enjoyment. He lived a life of sacrifice. John 3vs16. Just because of me. Don't you ever try to tell me otherwise. I will walk out on you. I'm not a child, O. I know I'm naïve but I’m not stupid. I have gone through things you probably can’t imagine me ever going through. I have been in dark places. I've lost myself and my way so many times. I'm not proud but I have a little knowledge. I know what I know.
We never fought. Never argued. That's scary. I am so hot tempered. You have no idea. But I never got angry with you. And I don’t remember you ever being angry with me. If I want to be sincere, I could say I was in love with you. But I wasn’t whole so I didn’t love you with all my heart. I couldn’t. My heart was too broken for that. I've told a few people our story and I almost always ended with that line. I think I was in love with him. Because it was true.
Where’s all this coming from? It’s coming from me making a decision. Jesus is my way. Deal with it.
Dami Myne.
Dear J,
We haven't spoken in several months, not by
any fault of yours. You've tried to keep in touch and I've tried to stay away.
I succeeded more than you, obviously. I really don't know what to say to you
but I'll try. I don't remember our first conversation, It was about 4 years
ago. But I remember how we would chat through the night on 2go. I faintly
remember you asking me to be your girlfriend, my naïve excitement and me
waiting till the next evening to say yes. In my naïvete, that was the best way
to play hard to get. I remember you. I remember how full my heart was. I
remember our declarations of love. I remember the promises we would never keep.
I remember how it all went downhill.
I think I really did love you like I said I
did. I was innocent, young and stupid. I was also eager to rush into the arms
of Cupid. I mean, the dude didn't even need an arrow. I was quite foolish. We were quite foolish. I mean, we promised each other marriage and I
was 15! We even had plans about children, names and all. As embarrassing as
this is to write, It must be written. I actually thought our love would last
forever or that we would at least get married like we planned. I remember all
the air kisses through phone calls. Alright, not all and not even a lot of
them. A few, I guess. Sorry, my memories
of you are quite hazy these days but one thing I clearly remember is that our
2go love was real. I even knew your ex girlfriend. She was so slim, light
skinned and pretty and I was a bit jealous. I mean what did I have that made
you choose me? Back then, I wasn't as pretty as her and that's what boys of
your age were probably after. I got to like her a little, I mean she was your
friend and I had to try for you because I loved you, right?
Do you remember that story you told me
about a movie you watched? You told me about a guy who fell in love with two
girls, This guy was in love with Isabel and then he met Becky and fell in
love with her as well. Then the guy was in a relationship with both of them and
he did not know who to pick. Immediately you started the story, I got a sinking
feeling in my chest and my instincts told me you were lying. That it wasn't a
movie, it was real and I was Becky... with the good hair. I was so scared that
it was true and I was Becky with the good hair.
I was like:
"Instincts, you're lying!"
"D, I'm telling you
the truth!"
"NO! It's not true! J
loves me! Instincts! Tell me it's not true!"
"I'm so sorry
D", Instincts looked away with despair in his eyes. "I hate to be the
bringer of bad news but.." Instincts couldn't continue with the
#StoriesThatTouch
"Oh instincts!"
Dami sobs hysterically...
Dude, of all the names to pick, why Becky?
I mean, there was Pearl or even Hepatitah!! I confronted you and you confirmed
my fears, I was actually Becky. I was so calm about it. I admire
how calm I was. I didn't even cry. I wonder why. And then I gave you an ultimatum: Her or Me.
You picked me and I wish you hadn't because
I broke your heart not long after or at least I think I did.
Fast forward to a few months later, we
started to drift apart. You were very busy with some stuff I don't remember and
it started to affect us. We began to talk less and drift more and I started
getting bored. I missed you of course but I realized I did not love you anymore. I remember that at least twice you asked me to send you airtime and I
did, I remember being disturbed about it. I remember my bestie not being in
support of my relationship with you despite our being on the same page about almost
everything else. I remember that sometimes our conversations were hollow and empty
with no depth. How could a love like that last? Sometimes I was uncomfortable
with somethings you said but I said nothing because I loved you and love is
about sacrifice, I mean we were going to get married and have kids. We never fought, never argued or had fall outs. We were always
happy with each other. What a fairy tale.
I mean how unreal could life get. I remember the only time we met during
our relationship. It was at the church I attended at that time. Our meeting was
very brief, like 5 minutes but I can't wrap my mind about the fact that you
expected me to kiss you there and then, in the open. I was so embarrassed plus
I was at church! Of course I disagreed!! As I watched you walk away, a chord
stroke deep within me and I thought there had to be more to this love thing.
As cliché as this may sound, I never meant
to hurt you. I just got bored, I think, and staying in love was harder than
falling in it. Since we only met once before we broke up and once after, I
can't say I missed your smile or the way you lifted one brow or any other
physical features. I barely recognize you on Facebook the last time I saw your picture!
The way we held on wasn't life and I'm glad it's over.
I wish you all the
good things in life,
D.
Dear T,
Today I saw you and spoke to you after...
Well.. About two weeks? But it feels longer than that, doesn't it? We haven't
spoken in all that time except one evening when we briefly saw each other. My
phone got bad and I haven't fixed it yet because I want a new one (long story)
and also because I used the money for something else. I honestly have missed
you, I'll admit. I'll also admit that I've been thinking about you. Thoughts of
you have been haunting me actually. I even had a weird dream about you which
says a lot because I hardly have dreams and rarely remember when I do. In my
dream, you stabbed me ( I wrote this line with a smile on my face). So imagine
how I felt when after all this, I saw you when I wasn't even wishing to. Sigh.
There were times I wished to see you, I would intentionally pass by your hostel
just so I could 'bump' into you. Not having a phone meant I couldn't talk to
you except I saw you. I thought you were worried about me. I thought you'd
wonder if I had died or something. But you weren't.
When we first met, I gave you the benefit
of the doubt, I believed everything you said because I felt I could trust you.
I found out the hard way not to take you at your word. At first, it wasn't
about feelings for you. You just wanted to be physical.. I just wanted the
thrill only a bad boy could give. I did get it for a while but I hated the hold
you seemed to have over me. A few words right words made me putty in your
hands. However, I knew it was wrong. I'm a Christian and that means I can't
just go with the flow. It means I should run away from any appearance of evil,
sin, immorality, 'fun'. I knew that, yet
I didn't listen to the warnings of HS about how I was playing with fire. I was
like a moth drawn to flame... I've digressed.
HS is my best friend. He just knows.
I know it seemed like I 'played' hard to
get but I didn't. I'm just very busy with a lot of things I'd rather not talk
about in this letter. Anyway, before today, I didn't know what to believe. Did
you really care as much as you say you did? Then why didn't you want to see me
in the daytime? Why did you only want to meet me at night? You once told me I
was beautiful, did you mean only at night? I know I sound naïve and silly and
all the things that annoy you but I don't care. This isn't really about you
even if it is. I never asked you to talk to me that day on IG. I was just being
myself and liking the pictures of a random cute guy. I actually thought you
were someone else, a student in my faculty. I only realized later that you
weren't and that I'd seen you once in school (If I ever talk to you again, I'll
tell you about it). I never asked you to send me your WhatsApp number. That
should have been the first warning bell. If you really wanted to talk to me, you
should have asked for mine. You should have called me, in fact. Call me old
fashioned but I believe that if a man is serious about a woman, he goes out of
his way to show it. WhatsApp is too convenient. I never even asked you to keep
coming back after every rebuff I threw your way. Your persistence endeared you
to me. It was cute.
For some reason, you always felt like I had
an ulterior motive. I should have been the one to think that, you were the one
who came after me. You said you saw something. You said you really liked me and nothing I did would change that. You said
so many things but you were lying. You lied. You are not a man of your words. I
realized that today. It's ironic how bound I feel to a person after saying
'yes', yet you would promise me one thing and give another. Today, after I
realized you were in the garden I wanted to run, tail tucked and all but my
friend refused. She's a good friend, she made me face the fear of speaking to
you. I had to mentally prepare myself for 30 minutes or more (maybe I should
write a book on delay tactics). Hilariously enough, HS told me to go talk to
you! I mean, since when did he encourage me to talk to men I could be
romantically involved with?? As if that wasn't enough, Perry, a periwinkle or
whatever he was, gave me the same advice ( don't even ask). He's probably dead
now since I left him on dry land. I was so nervous.. Sigh. Immediately I
stopped in front of you, the butterflies in my tummy stopped. I was a bit
disappointed today, you finally gave up. Your defensive statements made me
realize how much of a fool I've been these past few weeks. A big one.
I'm glad I talked to you today, I felt so
light afterwards even if we're no longer friends or whatever we were. It
reminds me of when I told you about my faith and love for God. Do you remember?
You told me I was crazy. You don't talk much, yet you sent me about 17 or 18
messages that night. I never read them, I couldn't. I was scared of what your
words would do to me but at the same time I felt so liberated, I could finally
be myself. I thought we were never talking to each other again but you said hi
almost a week after. I know you never understood me and that's okay. Maybe I do
have trust issues after all. Sometimes, I wondered what you really wanted from
me. Love? Companionship? Or home? I wondered if you wanted an actual
relationship or an official side chick. I wondered if you meant any of the
things you said... If you actually did catch feelings. It doesn't matter
anymore. We're done. Today might have been closure for you but this letter is
closure for me.
Goodbye,
D.
D.
Dear F,
Our age difference was one thing that I
couldn't quite wrap my mind around. You are at least 11 years older than me but
I have an age limit of 6. All I wanted from you was for you to teach me how to
bake but I didn't qualify so you decided I qualified for something else.
Unfortunately for you, I had more resistance than you thought I would. I guess
I seemed like a naïve, young woman. An easy conquest of some sort. You would
call me everyday and some times, we'd talk for several minutes about your
unrequited emotions and how you wished to see me. Now that I think back, it was
all quite pathetic.. And disgusting. After a few weeks of your pestering, I
agreed to see you. That was the beginning of the end.
As usual I didn't listen to HS, my best
friend. He told me not to go but I felt too bound by my words. After spending
time and effort to locate your office, I finally found it. The distance was not
a joke and I was tired. Your office was not like what I expected but I forgave
it and accepted it's charm. It was good enough for a baker, I guess. Then I
quietly took the seat you offered and waited and watched till you dispatched
your employees. The smug smiles you kept throwing my way made me feel like
slugs were crawling on my skin. Yuck!
When we
were alone like you hoped, I became uncomfortable and with good reason. You
decided you wanted to sit too close to me. And act like we'd known each other
for so long when we'd merely known each other for a few weeks. After I rebuffed you, you decided that was the best time to check
your emails and Instagram feed. As if that wasn't enough, you didn't even offer
me a drink! Not even water! All you tried to force me to have was some cake when
you knew I was fasting. At this point, I was livid. What kind of a pathetic
wannabe Yoruba demon are you? Seriously, your game is dead. After being ignored for almost 45 minutes, I finally decided that I'd been insulted enough. I
decided to leave but still it never clicked in your head that the hot sun was more than
enough to dry out my tongue. And the worst, After all I went through, you gave
me just 500 naira! I found out you were stingy as well. But like a good little
girl, I kept quiet through it all. You told me to call you when I got to school. I'm sure you knew that wasn't going to happen.
I'm so glad you never called again.
Indifference,
D.
