Up and Doing

    Hi there, human being or alien. Today, I made a most shocking discovery about myself. I don't have a life. It's shameful but true. My life has become what school, people and some circumstances have made it to be. Right now I feel a large void in the aspect of how to spend my time. It wasn't always like this. I did make the discovery only today.
    Before now, I had a best friend. A guy. At least I thought I did. But what happens when your best friend of many months tells you that he's not who you think he is and you've been friends with a lie all that time. I was like: WAWU. I was hurt. I mean who pretends to be someone they're not to make another person happy?
    I crushed the friendship. HS wanted me to end it as well. But now I'm here asking myself questions. Who am I? Who really am I? Aren't I good enough? That someone would pretend so much hurts a lot. I really thought we were friends.. And the most important question of all: What am I going to do now?
   I know that I must move on and never go back. I know that I must try new things. I know I must discover myself. And I know that I must make new friends.

I tried very hard,
gave it my best,
I even broke a sweat.
I traveled several miles.
I used my money and time.
My love and my smile.
I did it with the best intentions
but I got no reward for my ministrations
I got fake smiles and fake thank yous,

insults and put downs.
Where's the warm hug I thought I would get?
Where's the friend I thought I had in you?
Why are there tears of disappointment on my face?
What am I going to do?
I will smile and wipe my tears.
I will cry and face my fears.
What fears have I?
That I will be alone.
That you will leave me.
That you will make make me cry.
That you will hurt me.
But you cannot know for my pride is great.
So I will hold my head high and bear my fate
I will be strong and see your face
One more day, I say.
Maybe it's today.
I'll finally hear those words,
you'll say you love me,
even if it isn't true.
I'd rather tell myself this than accept the truth
That you don't love me and I don't love you
and I'm just scared to die alone

This was a very random poem inspired by my frustration at not getting a bedspace in my school. I'm actually single and not in love with anyone at the moment and I dunno where that part came from. But I love how it looks and feels. I hope you also do

      It's a new year and ultimately, our lives must start again. For me, the holidays were a much needed break from all the drama and stress of school. It's nice to know I'm done with my first year and I came out in one piece. "Was it that bad?", you might ask. Yes! It was. Half the time, I was too happy and too hyper, while the other half, I was too reserved and too depressed. They say high school is hard. It is, till you get into college or a university.
      Being in a college or a university is very different from being in high school but it's really not that different. The main variation is the amount of freedom and then again, that really depends on the kind of parents you have. The awareness that no one back home knows what you're doing, and that you can't be punished or scolded. And then you go wild. If you're like me, you aren't really close to your parents and you don't have mentors or role models or the right guidance so it's easier to get lost. To fit in and flow with the river of sameness and unoriginality. Finding and extricating yourself is harder than getting in.
     I'd like to tell you a nice, interesting story of how I lost and found myself but sadly or maybe luckily, it didn't happen. I didn't go wild and start partying like crazy. I didn't become a first class bitch. Third class maybe. But almost never on purpose. Why?  because I was heart broken.
     Imagine a situation where your boyfriend or girlfriend dumps you on one day that was supposed to be a very important one for you, like your matriculation day. He or she is even supposed to be there with you and for you but you get a break up text.It shattered me though I never let on. I had friends and family to be there for and a life to live. Have you ever had to restrain yourself from crying in a public place? Like a bus. You really want to give in but you remember all those people around you and you realize you might become an overnight Youtube celebrity if you don't hold it. Tough choice, I know. But I didn't become a Youtube celebrity. Big girls don't cry.
    So I moved on from boy to boy to boy, desperately looking for love when it was with me all that time. Not in a boy but in my heavenly father. It's crazy how a few words from him can calm your worst fears. I'm not a perfect sister. I'm still a big work in progress but I realized that I had to wait for the love I was desperately searching for it would come at its time.
    It's a new year and I'm moving on, I'm growing and I will not follow the tide. I will be my awkward self even if I get laughed at or made fun of. Why should you be bothered by the opinions of people who don't care about you? The people you have to impress or look good for don't care.. except they're your boss,
    I'm writing from a place of pain but in that pain, I have peace because God loves me.
p.s I hope no one in my family reads this till I'm 50!