Up and Doing

I'm dry,
Because I need you
I'm not high,
Because I need you
I sigh, oh why?
Because I need you
I cry,
Because I need you.

My need for you
Is a hunger
It is a thirst
Insatiable in its quest
My need for you is a drive
Pushing me through limits I didn't know I had.
Time is a mirage on this ride.
It is not enough.
Chasing after you is hard
There's just so much to do.
The distractions and side attractions
Attempt to drag me to oblivion
On the edge of a precipice I play.
A dangerous game, I know.
Its the only one on my phone.
Addiction is calling
Depression is texting.
I've tried to uninstall the app
It keeps coming back
I throw my phone away only to search for it again.
I need you, again and again.
I need you like the earth needs the rain.

My need for you is blinding
Like white light after being in the dark.
My need for you is increasing,
Daily.. No by the second.
Sometimes the thought of you consumes my very soul.
And other times, you're like someone I've never known.
When we shall be one..?
I don't know,
Lover of my soul.
But until that day, I'll never stop chasing after you.

    One thing I find it very easy to do is lying. It's really easy. All you have to do is tweak the truth a tiny bit and bam! you've lied!! Welcome to the club. (We need a name for our club. How about Liars Alliance?) I don't think I lied yesterday. I may have avoided telling the truth.. Is that a lie? I'm a Believer and that means honesty should be my way any time of day. BUT as a child, my parents and society taught me that it was okay to lie sometimes and hide the truth. The key was to make it a periodical habit so you aren't termed a "Liar". Unfortunately, I became very good at what I'd like to call "Honest Lying". While I was growing up, we had a neighbour, a guy around my age. Kids in the neighborhood used to joke that if he said it was morning, the sky would suddenly become dark and the sun would set. That was how deep his lying was. He was a Lying Liar.
    I made a decision to stop lying last week and so far, I have propagated a big lie to my family and I can see it growing even bigger right in front of me. The lie ends on Thursday. I'm going to make that decision again and gracefully stick to it this time.
    People lie for so many reasons. To protect themselves or look good, to protect others or make them look good (classic cliche but still true), to get favours, to destroy someone else, to make someone jump off a cliff, to make sure a crazed hit man attacks someone else (this is getting out of hand).. People lie for all sorts of reasons and so do I. A conversation I had with my mum last week emphasized an age long truth: Human beings lie to themselves. I was trying to be real with my mum but she was having none of it. She didn't like what I had to say and so her tone of voice changed and she started to boss me around. I almost got into an argument with her because she's been doing this for a long time but I knew that I would lose. Most Nigerians do this. Ignore the things they know as true because it will mean a shift in their lairs of comfort. A mother ignores her child's indiscretions because according to her, she's just a child. A woman about to get married allows herself to believe that the dream of her man becoming a better person is real. She ignores the first few slaps because of a prison of gold (if she's lucky) around her finger. And many more instances..
     I may lie to people but I don't lie to myself. At least, I try not to. I don't tell myself that I was right when I know it in my gut that I was wrong. No matter how clear the facts are. I only argue with self on when to apologize or if I should. I don't lie to myself that I'm fine when I'm not. I might lie to others but when there's the slightest shift in equilibrium, I know and I admit it. I like to admit when I don't want to share. I like to voice it out when I feel like I've had more than enough.
    I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not in love with Jesus. I love Him and I am grateful for all he has done for me. You have no idea what he has done. It's amazing that someone I can't see has done way more than those I can see. I love Jesus but I'm not crazy in love with him. I want to be but now I'm not. While some Christians might read this and pass a judgy or two, I can't be bothered. Not really. Because in my blatant honesty with myself and with God in the past few months, I have gone farther in my Christian Walk than I have in years. Just because I was honest. Just because I admitted that I didn't know how. Now God is nudging me to be honest with the people around me instead of hiding the truth about myself from them. This is typical me, hide what you don't want them to see and let them believe what they want. At a point, I thought all I needed was to be honest with God and that was it but God's standards are God's standards. And all round honesty is one of them.