I unknowingly search for your face in the crowd
My heart longs for a glimpse of you
You're the one I don't know
Yet you're the one on my mind
Our meeting was misplaced
A chance encounter that almost never happened
You made me blush to my roots
It wasn't just your words
It wasn't just your eyes
It was you
All of you, telling me the same thing
"You're beautiful"
I looked away
I couldn't bear the intensity of your gaze
You were beautiful too
Your brows
Your hair
Your proud nose
The curve of your lips into a smile
Drawing me to you.
I wonder about you
This boy on my mind
Who are you?
Where are you?
I wonder what we could have been
Probably more than friends
But I might never know
You didn't get down from the cab.
Dear O,
If your memory is that rusty, I'll remind you. A week of not picking your calls or replying your msgs. A day after law dinner.. Around 7 in the morning. I called you out of your hostel because I wanted answers to some questions. Answers you ended up not giving because you "diplomatically" (I’m not even sure that's a word) pushed them away. I wanted to know what was going on with you and my classmate, C and about this girl I know I saw on your phone. I know I said I didn't want a relationship and I know I wasn't the only girl in your life at that time but the evidence was too much to bear. I almost went crazy wondering and wondering and thinking. I think a lot and guy, I didn't even know what to think. I was just thinking.
And after the romantic stroll on the lagoon front and breakfast at mavise. After all the butterflies and electricity and chemistry ( legit, the chemistry was mad and I’ve never felt anything like it) and biology. After everything, I made one of the best decisions I've ever made in my incomplete lifespan. I chose Jesus and let you go. And I don't care what you believe or don't believe. I actually do not care. I know Jesus and he didn't live a life of enjoyment. He lived a life of sacrifice. John 3vs16. Just because of me. Don't you ever try to tell me otherwise. I will walk out on you. I'm not a child, O. I know I'm naïve but I’m not stupid. I have gone through things you probably can’t imagine me ever going through. I have been in dark places. I've lost myself and my way so many times. I'm not proud but I have a little knowledge. I know what I know.
We never fought. Never argued. That's scary. I am so hot tempered. You have no idea. But I never got angry with you. And I don’t remember you ever being angry with me. If I want to be sincere, I could say I was in love with you. But I wasn’t whole so I didn’t love you with all my heart. I couldn’t. My heart was too broken for that. I've told a few people our story and I almost always ended with that line. I think I was in love with him. Because it was true.
Where’s all this coming from? It’s coming from me making a decision. Jesus is my way. Deal with it.
Dami Myne.
Have you ever whined and cried for something so bad but when you got it, you wondered why you asked? I've been asking God for some things for about 4-5 months and now that I have them, I wonder why I really wanted them. I asked for freedom, now it’s too much. I asked for money, now it’s too much. I'm not used to having so much that I don’t know what to do with it. I asked for my own space and now, it’s lonely. I used to stay in an apartment with 7 girls and sometimes it got really rowdy but they kept me sane. They kept me safe. Now that I'm not on my own, I really don’t know what I should be doing.
Being with like-minded people does something to you. You tend to have the same ideologies on matters in a general sense. Now that I don’t live with them, my mind has begun to roam free. And now, I am confused.
I just turned 21 which means I'm meant to get my act together, be grown up and responsible. I have to know what I want to do with my life. I have to stand fiercely for something or fall for anything. I’ve been asking myself if the life I’ve lived for the past 4 years is the one I want to live for the next 70. I’ve been asking myself what I really want. I've been asking myself who I really am. And who I want to be.
I'm not a feminist. I’m sorry ladies, I don’t care about women’s rights strongly enough to base my life on it. I'm not a human or child rights activist. I am passionate about women and children’s rights but not so much to live for it all my days. I'm not a lawyer. I've “studied” law for almost 5 years and my love for it has only reduced over time. I'm not a slay queen or a fashionista..
For the past 4 years, I've slowly but surely began to stand for Christ and I haven’t regretted it. Not one bit. B U T, the older I got, the more enticing the world got and now it’s like the world is after me. Literally. From boys to success to money to friends. In the midst of all this, I'm still asking myself this question..
What do I stand for?
One thing I find it very easy to do is lying. It's really easy. All you have to do is tweak the truth a tiny bit and bam! you've lied!! Welcome to the club. (We need a name for our club. How about Liars Alliance?) I don't think I lied yesterday. I may have avoided telling the truth.. Is that a lie? I'm a Believer and that means honesty should be my way any time of day. BUT as a child, my parents and society taught me that it was okay to lie sometimes and hide the truth. The key was to make it a periodical habit so you aren't termed a "Liar". Unfortunately, I became very good at what I'd like to call "Honest Lying". While I was growing up, we had a neighbour, a guy around my age. Kids in the neighborhood used to joke that if he said it was morning, the sky would suddenly become dark and the sun would set. That was how deep his lying was. He was a Lying Liar.
I made a decision to stop lying last week and so far, I have propagated a big lie to my family and I can see it growing even bigger right in front of me. The lie ends on Thursday. I'm going to make that decision again and gracefully stick to it this time.
People lie for so many reasons. To protect themselves or look good, to protect others or make them look good (classic cliche but still true), to get favours, to destroy someone else, to make someone jump off a cliff, to make sure a crazed hit man attacks someone else (this is getting out of hand).. People lie for all sorts of reasons and so do I. A conversation I had with my mum last week emphasized an age long truth: Human beings lie to themselves. I was trying to be real with my mum but she was having none of it. She didn't like what I had to say and so her tone of voice changed and she started to boss me around. I almost got into an argument with her because she's been doing this for a long time but I knew that I would lose. Most Nigerians do this. Ignore the things they know as true because it will mean a shift in their lairs of comfort. A mother ignores her child's indiscretions because according to her, she's just a child. A woman about to get married allows herself to believe that the dream of her man becoming a better person is real. She ignores the first few slaps because of a prison of gold (if she's lucky) around her finger. And many more instances..
I may lie to people but I don't lie to myself. At least, I try not to. I don't tell myself that I was right when I know it in my gut that I was wrong. No matter how clear the facts are. I only argue with self on when to apologize or if I should. I don't lie to myself that I'm fine when I'm not. I might lie to others but when there's the slightest shift in equilibrium, I know and I admit it. I like to admit when I don't want to share. I like to voice it out when I feel like I've had more than enough.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not in love with Jesus. I love Him and I am grateful for all he has done for me. You have no idea what he has done. It's amazing that someone I can't see has done way more than those I can see. I love Jesus but I'm not crazy in love with him. I want to be but now I'm not. While some Christians might read this and pass a judgy or two, I can't be bothered. Not really. Because in my blatant honesty with myself and with God in the past few months, I have gone farther in my Christian Walk than I have in years. Just because I was honest. Just because I admitted that I didn't know how. Now God is nudging me to be honest with the people around me instead of hiding the truth about myself from them. This is typical me, hide what you don't want them to see and let them believe what they want. At a point, I thought all I needed was to be honest with God and that was it but God's standards are God's standards. And all round honesty is one of them.
I made a decision to stop lying last week and so far, I have propagated a big lie to my family and I can see it growing even bigger right in front of me. The lie ends on Thursday. I'm going to make that decision again and gracefully stick to it this time.
People lie for so many reasons. To protect themselves or look good, to protect others or make them look good (classic cliche but still true), to get favours, to destroy someone else, to make someone jump off a cliff, to make sure a crazed hit man attacks someone else (this is getting out of hand).. People lie for all sorts of reasons and so do I. A conversation I had with my mum last week emphasized an age long truth: Human beings lie to themselves. I was trying to be real with my mum but she was having none of it. She didn't like what I had to say and so her tone of voice changed and she started to boss me around. I almost got into an argument with her because she's been doing this for a long time but I knew that I would lose. Most Nigerians do this. Ignore the things they know as true because it will mean a shift in their lairs of comfort. A mother ignores her child's indiscretions because according to her, she's just a child. A woman about to get married allows herself to believe that the dream of her man becoming a better person is real. She ignores the first few slaps because of a prison of gold (if she's lucky) around her finger. And many more instances..
I may lie to people but I don't lie to myself. At least, I try not to. I don't tell myself that I was right when I know it in my gut that I was wrong. No matter how clear the facts are. I only argue with self on when to apologize or if I should. I don't lie to myself that I'm fine when I'm not. I might lie to others but when there's the slightest shift in equilibrium, I know and I admit it. I like to admit when I don't want to share. I like to voice it out when I feel like I've had more than enough.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not in love with Jesus. I love Him and I am grateful for all he has done for me. You have no idea what he has done. It's amazing that someone I can't see has done way more than those I can see. I love Jesus but I'm not crazy in love with him. I want to be but now I'm not. While some Christians might read this and pass a judgy or two, I can't be bothered. Not really. Because in my blatant honesty with myself and with God in the past few months, I have gone farther in my Christian Walk than I have in years. Just because I was honest. Just because I admitted that I didn't know how. Now God is nudging me to be honest with the people around me instead of hiding the truth about myself from them. This is typical me, hide what you don't want them to see and let them believe what they want. At a point, I thought all I needed was to be honest with God and that was it but God's standards are God's standards. And all round honesty is one of them.
