Up and Doing

I'm dry,
Because I need you
I'm not high,
Because I need you
I sigh, oh why?
Because I need you
I cry,
Because I need you.

My need for you
Is a hunger
It is a thirst
Insatiable in its quest
My need for you is a drive
Pushing me through limits I didn't know I had.
Time is a mirage on this ride.
It is not enough.
Chasing after you is hard
There's just so much to do.
The distractions and side attractions
Attempt to drag me to oblivion
On the edge of a precipice I play.
A dangerous game, I know.
Its the only one on my phone.
Addiction is calling
Depression is texting.
I've tried to uninstall the app
It keeps coming back
I throw my phone away only to search for it again.
I need you, again and again.
I need you like the earth needs the rain.

My need for you is blinding
Like white light after being in the dark.
My need for you is increasing,
Daily.. No by the second.
Sometimes the thought of you consumes my very soul.
And other times, you're like someone I've never known.
When we shall be one..?
I don't know,
Lover of my soul.
But until that day, I'll never stop chasing after you.

Not enough

I am an outsider,
Watching through the cracks in the wall,
A world I don't know,
I want to be a part of it all.
I can see the door right there,
But I can't go in,
I don't have the right key,
I search and search,
The bunch holds too much,
My persistence unlocks,
A whole new world,
I'm Alice in a wonderland of my own.
I try to explore,
I try to own this journey,
But the path is blurry,
I can't seem to find my way,
Where to go, I don't know!
Scratched and wounded ,
I find myself in the midst of it all,
I'm so out of place,
The looks actually scathe,
My tears burn my face,
I run away,
I wasn't invited.
Why did I try?
Why did I dive?
Why does it always come to this?
It always ends,
It's always rejection,
I'm screaming on the inside,
Despair echoes deep in my soul,
I just don't want to be alone!
I don't want to be alone.
I want to fit in,
I don't want to cry myself to sleep,
I want to hold hands with someone,
I want to feel the heat with someone,
I want to laugh with someone,
I want to cry with someone,
Not alone.
Not anymore.
It has simply become
Not enough,
It never was.
Forgive me if I barrel into your life,
Forgive me if I smile at you,
I'm sorry if I give you a hug,
I'm sorry cus I'll hold your hand too long,
What I have without you
Is not enough for me,
Not anymore.

I unknowingly search for your face in the crowd
My heart longs for a glimpse of you
You're the one I don't know
Yet you're the one on my mind
Our meeting was misplaced
A chance encounter that almost never happened
You made me blush to my roots
It wasn't just your words
It wasn't just your eyes
It was you
All of you, telling me the same thing
"You're beautiful"
I looked away
I couldn't bear the intensity of your gaze
You were beautiful too
Your brows
Your hair
Your proud nose
The curve of your lips into a smile
Drawing me to you.
I wonder about you
This boy on my mind
Who are you?
Where are you?
I wonder what we could have been
Probably more than friends
But I might never know
You didn't get down from the cab.

Looking at someone with new eyes,
Means realizing things you never have,
Means doing things you've never done.
Before I met you,
All I saw were blue skies,
Now all I see are blue cars.
Before I met you,
Black was just the colour of my jeans.
Now it's the colour of your skin.
Conversations play in my head,
Over and over,
Words mold and become bold.
You're trying to figure me out,
How am I supposed to figure you out?
Nervous eyes and shy smiles,
Meet looks I'm not sure I can define.
I wonder about your life,
What it's like,
Why you think it's so sad.
I ponder on your kindness,
Are there motives you hide?
I am getting overwhelmed by your easy smile,
By that look in your eyes.
You're running from something.
You can't seem to get away.
But you keep going from place to place.
You drive fast but it keeps its pace.
You're good at keeping up this façade.
You think no one can see beyond the lift of your brows.
Or the charm you seem to douse yourself in,
I've seen the unease in your eyes,
The pain you try to hide.
I've seen the skeletons on your face,
I've seen the scars wedged in your soul
I've seen more than you'll ever know.
Now that you're not around,
I think I can be calm.
I think my heart can beat to its own tune again.
I think I can see blue skies again.
Now that you're gone,
I hope your heart will heal,
I hope your pain will fade away,
Now that you're gone,
I hope I'll see you again.

    When I was younger, I used to think it was really easy to forgive. I was so naïve. And then, no one had hurt me really badly before. Fast forward to a few years later, I have a story to tell.
    I have a friend who thinks it's really disturbing how I expect people to use me. But despite my many disappointments, I always expect the best from people and am always greatly disappointed. There was a particular person I never expected to screw me over. At least not in the way he did. I don't want to go into details but I was really hurt. This person was a father figure and a friend. Basically, I was really pained sha. I told a few friends in a bid to get it off my chest but it didn't work. I moved on, or so I thought.
    Fast forward to a few months later, my prayer life was suffering, my study life was dead. I couldn't connect to the Holy Spirit. I couldn't hear His voice. I was floating. I didn't know why. I was just there sha. I tried. I really did but I couldn't get back on track. Once in a while I would make progress but then I'd go right back to where I started. It was frustrating. I started questioning a lot of things. I started to wonder if this "Christian Life" was really the kind of life I wanted to live. The world looked so interesting and still does sometimes. I was a living confusion. I didn't know what I wanted, what was right. I wasn't sure of anything. The only thing that kept me going was church. Sunday and Thursday Services were my biweekly doses of sanity. Every other day was crazy day.
    This Sunday, the 24th of June, changed something about me. I am so sure. Love, the Jesus kind of love is really difficult. It is humanly impossible. It is inhuman. It inhumane. How am I supposed to love my enemies!? And I'm supposed to keep saying hi to people who intentionally snob me?!
Let's not forget forgiving people who hurt me as much as 539 times in a day. Oh and praying for those who despitefully use me. Going the extra mile for people who would most likely never do the same.. And then, giving even when you don't have enough to people who are probably ungrateful.  Wow. Just wow. Who does that?? Who does that!!?? Jesus did. Am I Jesus??😒😒😪
    It took me allowing God to help me forgive for me to let go. I didn't even know that I had a grudge in the first place. I honestly had no idea. I knew I couldn't bear to talk to this person but I didn't know it was because I hadn't forgiven him. It was like a clamp around my heart stopping a lot of things from happening. And every time I got hurt, it just got tighter. It all came to a head during Rhythm 5's Camp Meeting. I couldn't even listen to the messages because the clamp was so tight. I couldn't breathe. Every time I saw someone who I felt  had done me wrong, it'd squeeze up my heart. Sigh. My rich heart. God removed this clamp during Camp Meeting. But on the 24th, he helped me heal.
    Today, I spoke to this person I couldn't bear to talk to and I was fine. I was laughing and gisting like nothing happened. It was amazing. I've forgiven him. Someone is probably asking "how??!". I prayed. When I couldn't take it anymore, I prayed about it. I should have done that earlier but I didn't even know it was an issue. It is possible for un-forgiveness to clog your heart. It is also possible for you to let everything go. Inhuman, yes but possible. The benefits? I'm almost like a child all over again. I can do whatever, for real. Dance in the street.. Fly....... Lol. Just kidding. Basically, my heart is lighter than it's been in a long time and that reduces my entire body weight. 😂😂😂