Up and Doing

   I've loved and lost a lot in my not so long life on earth. I'm talking about people... friends, ex friends or whatever those are called. I've been feeling nostalgic for a couple of days, a week maybe? What can say? I miss some people and as for some others, I can't believe I ever had anything to do with them.
   There's a song I used to love.it It simply said "no matter what happens I've got my friends". It was a nice touching sentiment but sometimes, friends lie, friends aren't genuine, sometimes they use you, hurt you, sometimes friends leave you. Sometimes your friends aren't really your friends and it's all fun and games till you need them. I'm really not against having friends as long as you know who they really are.
    You know, I've always wanted a bff (best friend forever) but I don't think it's in God's plan for my life. Some of my best friends and I lost touch cus of school, misunderstandings and sometimes it was because I realized that I was the only one who was really willing to give or go the extra mile. Have you ever done something for someone that cost you something? Then imagine the pain when you realize they wouldn't do the same for you.
    I've moved into a hostel in school very recently and I find myself wanting friends around me. The problem is I'm too socially awkward to flow with everyone or just anyone. A lot of people think I'm amazing but still I don't have that one friend (or more, I really don't mind) that I can call my ride or die. We always lose touch, drift apart, fight... Something. I've become a lone ranger as a result. Learned to be happy by myself
   Sometimes, you don't realize you've learnt a lesson until something happens more than once. You do exactly the same things and hope for something different each time. You're actually quite mad according to a wise guy who's dead.
    I guess I just feel old because I know how different I've become. I have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders and a lesser number of people I can call my friends. I miss some of the ones I've lost. My ex best friend, some that tried to get out of the friend zone and some that I'm just too shy to say hello to. Its kind of amazing that I used to be close to some people and now I barely know what to say to then.
    And then there are some people I will just never miss. Ever. Like never ever ever ever never ever. Keep your Justin Bieber comebacks, thank you very much. - Damimyne

   So last night, my dad told me about a member of our extended family that had just died.
"That's sad", I said, my voice flat.
" Yes, it is." He agreed.
   After that encounter, I realized with a start that I didn't feel even the tiniest twinge of pity or sadness. Why would I? I didn't know her. I don't think I ever met her and if I did, I don't remember. I don't even have an idea of what she looks like. All I know is that she was an old lady and we were related.
   But... She just died. And she was a mother and a sister and a friend. That should make me feel bad, right? It doesn't. I just feel bad because I don't feel bad. Does that make sense?
   I've realized that I can be detached from my emotions sometimes. And then people react strongly to some things around me and I can't even find it in me to sigh.
   Anyway the burial is today. She's probably a Muslim. And in 40 days, people will gather round to eat and drink and celebrate someone's death. I'm not sure I understand why we do that. Oh. I just remembered it's called a 'Celebration of Life'. I'll probably be there but I'll try to avoid going.
   I mean, if she was sick, I didn't know and even if I knew, I wouldn't have cared much. If she had needs, I never heard about them. If she was sad, I wasn't there to comfort her. I don't even know her name. And then someone tell me what it is I'm celebrating? The life I was never part of? The joys and sorrows I never knew about? Or her death probably with a slaughtered cow or ram and half a bag of rice and over 500 guests and "wellwishers". We can't leave them out.
   I hope I don't sound sadistic. I really didn't mean to. I'm just having a hard time accepting the way life and society are. It's a bit disgusting. And then I just feel bad because I don't feel bad.