Up and Doing

Dear T,

    Today I saw you and spoke to you after... Well.. About two weeks? But it feels longer than that, doesn't it? We haven't spoken in all that time except one evening when we briefly saw each other. My phone got bad and I haven't fixed it yet because I want a new one (long story) and also because I used the money for something else. I honestly have missed you, I'll admit. I'll also admit that I've been thinking about you. Thoughts of you have been haunting me actually. I even had a weird dream about you which says a lot because I hardly have dreams and rarely remember when I do. In my dream, you stabbed me ( I wrote this line with a smile on my face). So imagine how I felt when after all this, I saw you when I wasn't even wishing to. Sigh. There were times I wished to see you, I would intentionally pass by your hostel just so I could 'bump' into you. Not having a phone meant I couldn't talk to you except I saw you. I thought you were worried about me. I thought you'd wonder if I had died or something. But you weren't.

    When we first met, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, I believed everything you said because I felt I could trust you. I found out the hard way not to take you at your word. At first, it wasn't about feelings for you. You just wanted to be physical.. I just wanted the thrill only a bad boy could give. I did get it for a while but I hated the hold you seemed to have over me. A few words right words made me putty in your hands. However, I knew it was wrong. I'm a Christian and that means I can't just go with the flow. It means I should run away from any appearance of evil, sin, immorality, 'fun'.  I knew that, yet I didn't listen to the warnings of HS about how I was playing with fire. I was like a moth drawn to flame... I've digressed.  HS is my best friend. He just knows.

    I know it seemed like I 'played' hard to get but I didn't. I'm just very busy with a lot of things I'd rather not talk about in this letter. Anyway, before today, I didn't know what to believe. Did you really care as much as you say you did? Then why didn't you want to see me in the daytime? Why did you only want to meet me at night? You once told me I was beautiful, did you mean only at night? I know I sound naïve and silly and all the things that annoy you but I don't care. This isn't really about you even if it is. I never asked you to talk to me that day on IG. I was just being myself and liking the pictures of a random cute guy. I actually thought you were someone else, a student in my faculty. I only realized later that you weren't and that I'd seen you once in school (If I ever talk to you again, I'll tell you about it). I never asked you to send me your WhatsApp number. That should have been the first warning bell. If you really wanted to talk to me, you should have asked for mine. You should have called me, in fact. Call me old fashioned but I believe that if a man is serious about a woman, he goes out of his way to show it. WhatsApp is too convenient. I never even asked you to keep coming back after every rebuff I threw your way. Your persistence endeared you to me. It was cute.

    For some reason, you always felt like I had an ulterior motive. I should have been the one to think that, you were the one who came after me. You said you saw something. You said you really liked me  and nothing I did would change that. You said so many things but you were lying. You lied. You are not a man of your words. I realized that today. It's ironic how bound I feel to a person after saying 'yes', yet you would promise me one thing and give another. Today, after I realized you were in the garden I wanted to run, tail tucked and all but my friend refused. She's a good friend, she made me face the fear of speaking to you. I had to mentally prepare myself for 30 minutes or more (maybe I should write a book on delay tactics). Hilariously enough, HS told me to go talk to you! I mean, since when did he encourage me to talk to men I could be romantically involved with?? As if that wasn't enough, Perry, a periwinkle or whatever he was, gave me the same advice ( don't even ask). He's probably dead now since I left him on dry land. I was so nervous.. Sigh. Immediately I stopped in front of you, the butterflies in my tummy stopped. I was a bit disappointed today, you finally gave up. Your defensive statements made me realize how much of a fool I've been these past few weeks. A big one.

    I'm glad I talked to you today, I felt so light afterwards even if we're no longer friends or whatever we were. It reminds me of when I told you about my faith and love for God. Do you remember? You told me I was crazy. You don't talk much, yet you sent me about 17 or 18 messages that night. I never read them, I couldn't. I was scared of what your words would do to me but at the same time I felt so liberated, I could finally be myself. I thought we were never talking to each other again but you said hi almost a week after. I know you never understood me and that's okay. Maybe I do have trust issues after all. Sometimes, I wondered what you really wanted from me. Love? Companionship? Or home? I wondered if you wanted an actual relationship or an official side chick. I wondered if you meant any of the things you said... If you actually did catch feelings. It doesn't matter anymore. We're done. Today might have been closure for you but this letter is closure for me.

                                                                                                                                       Goodbye,
                                                                                                                                                    D.

I should just do what you asked.
But I am a coward
Buying time with borrowed money,
Money I can never pay back
To play a dangerous game.
A gamble.
A risk with no wins in sight.
But I'm getting blinded all over again,
By the glamour,
the glitter of what isn't gold,
Of what won't last.
The urge is as strong as the pull.
The notion of drowning in you
but I know it is all a lie.
The game was over before it started,
because I dared to play.
I dared to gaze on that tree so forbidden.
Because I dared what shouldn't have been.
I should do what I said,
I should let you go,
I should walk away,
but cowards don't do what they should.

   So last night, my dad told me about a member of our extended family that had just died.
"That's sad", I said, my voice flat.
" Yes, it is." He agreed.
   After that encounter, I realized with a start that I didn't feel even the tiniest twinge of pity or sadness. Why would I? I didn't know her. I don't think I ever met her and if I did, I don't remember. I don't even have an idea of what she looks like. All I know is that she was an old lady and we were related.
   But... She just died. And she was a mother and a sister and a friend. That should make me feel bad, right? It doesn't. I just feel bad because I don't feel bad. Does that make sense?
   I've realized that I can be detached from my emotions sometimes. And then people react strongly to some things around me and I can't even find it in me to sigh.
   Anyway the burial is today. She's probably a Muslim. And in 40 days, people will gather round to eat and drink and celebrate someone's death. I'm not sure I understand why we do that. Oh. I just remembered it's called a 'Celebration of Life'. I'll probably be there but I'll try to avoid going.
   I mean, if she was sick, I didn't know and even if I knew, I wouldn't have cared much. If she had needs, I never heard about them. If she was sad, I wasn't there to comfort her. I don't even know her name. And then someone tell me what it is I'm celebrating? The life I was never part of? The joys and sorrows I never knew about? Or her death probably with a slaughtered cow or ram and half a bag of rice and over 500 guests and "wellwishers". We can't leave them out.
   I hope I don't sound sadistic. I really didn't mean to. I'm just having a hard time accepting the way life and society are. It's a bit disgusting. And then I just feel bad because I don't feel bad.