Up and Doing

I am misunderstood.

Yes, oft very.

My Yes,

my No,

my Maybe,

Contorted into something,

Something unrecognizable.

A dark, faded, scarred image

of what was once pure.

I stare and stare,

Till this image becomes a nightmare,

One I start to live,

One that becomes my reality.

Caught in a web of misunderstandings,

Drowning in lies I did not tell.

Trapped in a darkness so deep,

A darkness so strong,

It holds onto me,

It chokes me,

I'm dying,

I've lost my voice.

And so I'm quiet.

I accept it

I let it

Dear F,

    Our age difference was one thing that I couldn't quite wrap my mind around. You are at least 11 years older than me but I have an age limit of 6. All I wanted from you was for you to teach me how to bake but I didn't qualify so you decided I qualified for something else. Unfortunately for you, I had more resistance than you thought I would. I guess I seemed like a naïve, young woman. An easy conquest of some sort. You would call me everyday and some times, we'd talk for several minutes about your unrequited emotions and how you wished to see me. Now that I think back, it was all quite pathetic.. And disgusting. After a few weeks of your pestering, I agreed to see you. That was the beginning of the end.

    As usual I didn't listen to HS, my best friend. He told me not to go but I felt too bound by my words. After spending time and effort to locate your office, I finally found it. The distance was not a joke and I was tired. Your office was not like what I expected but I forgave it and accepted it's charm. It was good enough for a baker, I guess. Then I quietly took the seat you offered and waited and watched till you dispatched your employees. The smug smiles you kept throwing my way made me feel like slugs were crawling on my skin. Yuck!

    When we were alone like you hoped, I became uncomfortable and with good reason. You decided you wanted to sit too close to me. And act like we'd known each other for so long when we'd merely known each other for a few weeks. After I rebuffed you, you decided that was the best time to check your emails and Instagram feed. As if that wasn't enough, you didn't even offer me a drink! Not even water! All you tried to force me to have was some cake when you knew I was fasting. At this point, I was livid. What kind of a pathetic wannabe Yoruba demon are you? Seriously, your game is dead. After being ignored for almost 45 minutes, I finally decided that I'd been insulted enough. I decided to leave but still it never clicked in your head that the hot sun was more than enough to dry out my tongue. And the worst, After all I went through, you gave me just 500 naira! I found out you were stingy as well. But like a good little girl, I kept quiet through it all. You told me to call you when I got to school. I'm sure you knew that wasn't going to happen.

   I'm so glad you never called again.

                                                                                                                                                         Indifference,

                                                                                                                                                                 D.

    Hello, to anyone reading this. I sometimes wonder if anyone reads these things I post but I guess that most successful people probably had the same insecurities. I'm supposed to be in bed dreaming dreams about Sunday Service and other wonderful things but here I am, sitting in the living room, writing this... With a torchlight. The light *cough*.. I mean generator went off about an hour ago and I don't expect any electricity till 7:30pm tomorrow, when the gen comes on. Poor guy, the gen I mean.
    I feel awfully melancholic tonight. Have you ever felt this way? Sigh.. I dunno where this is going, I hardly do when I write, I just Idina Menzel my way through. I write on paper first before I type. Partially to improve my handwriting and partially because I flow better that way. I just hope someone who reads this can relate. I hope I brighten someone's day or put a smile on a face or two when they realize they're not really alone.. That someone out there feels the exact same way.. . Unsure of how they feel. Sigh... The dogs are barking again.
    Then maybe these are just the mindless rants of a young woman in Lagos, Nigeria who feels melancholic at this very moment. My solution? I'll talk to God about it, play music, dance, drink water and go to bed. What's your solution?

I should just do what you asked.
But I am a coward
Buying time with borrowed money,
Money I can never pay back
To play a dangerous game.
A gamble.
A risk with no wins in sight.
But I'm getting blinded all over again,
By the glamour,
the glitter of what isn't gold,
Of what won't last.
The urge is as strong as the pull.
The notion of drowning in you
but I know it is all a lie.
The game was over before it started,
because I dared to play.
I dared to gaze on that tree so forbidden.
Because I dared what shouldn't have been.
I should do what I said,
I should let you go,
I should walk away,
but cowards don't do what they should.

    Since my first year in uni, I've alwayS gotten  bedspAce in a haLl of residence (Thank God for new mercies). Although I always seem to get it about 6 weeks after resumption. In my 200 level, I got a particular hall for the second time (You get reallocated each year and you might not get the same hall more than once).
    A couple of weeks after settling in, I came back to school one Sunday to the tales of how my roommates plundered the limitless treasures of free WiFi. Apparently, the port was just outside the window of my first floor 6-man
room. How could it happen WHEN I went home?? Sigh. I was Very disAppoinTed. I mean, of course the Wifi just has to go off the day I come back! A number of apps on my phone needed updates and I wasn't about to use my data plan of a meagre 2GB. Why? Because then It would ONly last for a week or less. It's not called a monthly plan for nothing.
    So.. Imagine my surprise when a few days later, the WiFi came back! It was a beautiful moment! Indescribable even. Imagine my surprise when the WiFi lasted for more than a week. It was awesome. I finally knew how YouTube worked! After a few weeks, we took it for granted. I didn't buy data for about 3 months cus of the hostel WiFi. The WiFi radius got to my room so I didn't even have go to the common room to get connected. All my apps were up to date... It was every Nigerian student's dream.
One day, unfortunately for a lot of us, it just stopped. No warning.. No nothing.. It just stopped. It was painful. I had to buy data amongst other things. It also meant goodbye YouTube. Sigh. I really enjoyed the free WiFi while it lasted. It was actually approved by my Uni for students and each hall is supposed to have one.
   Anyway, I moved on. I bought data. Life went on, WiFiless and all. After about a week or two of the WiFiless life, the WiFi came back. I'm a Nigerian. I like free stuff sometimes. That's why giveaways make us so happy. Why we love birthdays and Christmas. It's why we love free WIFI! A sale, a discount. I dunno if it's human nature, we just have it. However, waiting on free stuff all the time can slow you down in life. Your expectations can and might always be cut short. They say nothing comes free. I almost agree tho... Except there's this one thing.