Dear T,
Today I saw you and spoke to you after...
Well.. About two weeks? But it feels longer than that, doesn't it? We haven't
spoken in all that time except one evening when we briefly saw each other. My
phone got bad and I haven't fixed it yet because I want a new one (long story)
and also because I used the money for something else. I honestly have missed
you, I'll admit. I'll also admit that I've been thinking about you. Thoughts of
you have been haunting me actually. I even had a weird dream about you which
says a lot because I hardly have dreams and rarely remember when I do. In my
dream, you stabbed me ( I wrote this line with a smile on my face). So imagine
how I felt when after all this, I saw you when I wasn't even wishing to. Sigh.
There were times I wished to see you, I would intentionally pass by your hostel
just so I could 'bump' into you. Not having a phone meant I couldn't talk to
you except I saw you. I thought you were worried about me. I thought you'd
wonder if I had died or something. But you weren't.
When we first met, I gave you the benefit
of the doubt, I believed everything you said because I felt I could trust you.
I found out the hard way not to take you at your word. At first, it wasn't
about feelings for you. You just wanted to be physical.. I just wanted the
thrill only a bad boy could give. I did get it for a while but I hated the hold
you seemed to have over me. A few words right words made me putty in your
hands. However, I knew it was wrong. I'm a Christian and that means I can't
just go with the flow. It means I should run away from any appearance of evil,
sin, immorality, 'fun'. I knew that, yet
I didn't listen to the warnings of HS about how I was playing with fire. I was
like a moth drawn to flame... I've digressed.
HS is my best friend. He just knows.
I know it seemed like I 'played' hard to
get but I didn't. I'm just very busy with a lot of things I'd rather not talk
about in this letter. Anyway, before today, I didn't know what to believe. Did
you really care as much as you say you did? Then why didn't you want to see me
in the daytime? Why did you only want to meet me at night? You once told me I
was beautiful, did you mean only at night? I know I sound naïve and silly and
all the things that annoy you but I don't care. This isn't really about you
even if it is. I never asked you to talk to me that day on IG. I was just being
myself and liking the pictures of a random cute guy. I actually thought you
were someone else, a student in my faculty. I only realized later that you
weren't and that I'd seen you once in school (If I ever talk to you again, I'll
tell you about it). I never asked you to send me your WhatsApp number. That
should have been the first warning bell. If you really wanted to talk to me, you
should have asked for mine. You should have called me, in fact. Call me old
fashioned but I believe that if a man is serious about a woman, he goes out of
his way to show it. WhatsApp is too convenient. I never even asked you to keep
coming back after every rebuff I threw your way. Your persistence endeared you
to me. It was cute.
For some reason, you always felt like I had
an ulterior motive. I should have been the one to think that, you were the one
who came after me. You said you saw something. You said you really liked me and nothing I did would change that. You said
so many things but you were lying. You lied. You are not a man of your words. I
realized that today. It's ironic how bound I feel to a person after saying
'yes', yet you would promise me one thing and give another. Today, after I
realized you were in the garden I wanted to run, tail tucked and all but my
friend refused. She's a good friend, she made me face the fear of speaking to
you. I had to mentally prepare myself for 30 minutes or more (maybe I should
write a book on delay tactics). Hilariously enough, HS told me to go talk to
you! I mean, since when did he encourage me to talk to men I could be
romantically involved with?? As if that wasn't enough, Perry, a periwinkle or
whatever he was, gave me the same advice ( don't even ask). He's probably dead
now since I left him on dry land. I was so nervous.. Sigh. Immediately I
stopped in front of you, the butterflies in my tummy stopped. I was a bit
disappointed today, you finally gave up. Your defensive statements made me
realize how much of a fool I've been these past few weeks. A big one.
I'm glad I talked to you today, I felt so
light afterwards even if we're no longer friends or whatever we were. It
reminds me of when I told you about my faith and love for God. Do you remember?
You told me I was crazy. You don't talk much, yet you sent me about 17 or 18
messages that night. I never read them, I couldn't. I was scared of what your
words would do to me but at the same time I felt so liberated, I could finally
be myself. I thought we were never talking to each other again but you said hi
almost a week after. I know you never understood me and that's okay. Maybe I do
have trust issues after all. Sometimes, I wondered what you really wanted from
me. Love? Companionship? Or home? I wondered if you wanted an actual
relationship or an official side chick. I wondered if you meant any of the
things you said... If you actually did catch feelings. It doesn't matter
anymore. We're done. Today might have been closure for you but this letter is
closure for me.
Goodbye,
D.
D.
