Up and Doing

   So last night, my dad told me about a member of our extended family that had just died.
"That's sad", I said, my voice flat.
" Yes, it is." He agreed.
   After that encounter, I realized with a start that I didn't feel even the tiniest twinge of pity or sadness. Why would I? I didn't know her. I don't think I ever met her and if I did, I don't remember. I don't even have an idea of what she looks like. All I know is that she was an old lady and we were related.
   But... She just died. And she was a mother and a sister and a friend. That should make me feel bad, right? It doesn't. I just feel bad because I don't feel bad. Does that make sense?
   I've realized that I can be detached from my emotions sometimes. And then people react strongly to some things around me and I can't even find it in me to sigh.
   Anyway the burial is today. She's probably a Muslim. And in 40 days, people will gather round to eat and drink and celebrate someone's death. I'm not sure I understand why we do that. Oh. I just remembered it's called a 'Celebration of Life'. I'll probably be there but I'll try to avoid going.
   I mean, if she was sick, I didn't know and even if I knew, I wouldn't have cared much. If she had needs, I never heard about them. If she was sad, I wasn't there to comfort her. I don't even know her name. And then someone tell me what it is I'm celebrating? The life I was never part of? The joys and sorrows I never knew about? Or her death probably with a slaughtered cow or ram and half a bag of rice and over 500 guests and "wellwishers". We can't leave them out.
   I hope I don't sound sadistic. I really didn't mean to. I'm just having a hard time accepting the way life and society are. It's a bit disgusting. And then I just feel bad because I don't feel bad.

   I grew up desperately wanting to be normal. I wanted to be like other girls (I've been told I look like Mulan). I wanted to belong but I just didn't fit in. Any where. No matter how hard I tried
   Very recently I found out that acceptance is as essential to a man as healthy food. And acceptance is not something I ever got. When you eat unhealthy food, your body's immunity drops. Think of acceptance as healthy food for your mind.
  As an artist, I tend to want to express myself in ways not understood by many. From my parents to my friends to my family and It hurts a lot to think that the people who brought me into this world don't know my likes, dislikes or my favourite things to do
  At a point, I didn't know who I was. I didn't even like who I was. I just wanted to be someone else. I would cry myself to sleep begging God to change me. I'm so glad he didn't listen. Because I wasn't accepted unconditionally, I felt something was wrong with me. I felt like I was weird, a freak of nature. But you know me, I always smiled.
  I'm the kind of person that just laughs or smiles for seemingly for no reason. My pastor told me that my mind works like a clock. I think about something, forget all about it and then it comes back to me several minutes or hours afterwards. By this time, the people I'm talking to have moved on with their lives and I just look odd.
  I joined Streams of Divine Life in March, this year. It is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I found a family. People who love me, value me and make me feel important, like I'm worth something precious and most importantly, people who accept me the way I am but are open to my growth and improvement. I love each and every member of my spiritual family.
  They get that I'm quirky, bossy, hyper, weird and they love me for it. I even got my own nickname.
  Acceptance is a very strong and powerful thing. I feel more at home with these wonderful people than with my own biological family. I feel complete.