A letter to my first love

12:30 pm

Dear J,
    We haven't spoken in several months, not by any fault of yours. You've tried to keep in touch and I've tried to stay away. I succeeded more than you, obviously. I really don't know what to say to you but I'll try. I don't remember our first conversation, It was about 4 years ago. But I remember how we would chat through the night on 2go. I faintly remember you asking me to be your girlfriend, my naïve excitement and me waiting till the next evening to say yes. In my naïvete, that was the best way to play hard to get. I remember you. I remember how full my heart was. I remember our declarations of love. I remember the promises we would never keep. I remember how it all went downhill.
    I think I really did love you like I said I did. I was innocent, young and stupid. I was also eager to rush into the arms of Cupid. I mean, the dude didn't even need an arrow. I was quite foolish. We were quite foolish. I mean, we promised each other marriage and I was 15! We even had plans about children, names and all. As embarrassing as this is to write, It must be written. I actually thought our love would last forever or that we would at least get married like we planned. I remember all the air kisses through phone calls. Alright, not all and not even a lot of them.  A few, I guess. Sorry, my memories of you are quite hazy these days but one thing I clearly remember is that our 2go love was real. I even knew your ex girlfriend. She was so slim, light skinned and pretty and I was a bit jealous. I mean what did I have that made you choose me? Back then, I wasn't as pretty as her and that's what boys of your age were probably after. I got to like her a little, I mean she was your friend and I had to try for you because I loved you, right?
    Do you remember that story you told me about a movie you watched? You told me about a guy who fell in love with two girls, This guy was in love with Isabel and then he met Becky and fell in love with her as well. Then the guy was in a relationship with both of them and he did not know who to pick. Immediately you started the story, I got a sinking feeling in my chest and my instincts told me you were lying. That it wasn't a movie, it was real and I was Becky... with the good hair. I was so scared that it was true and I was Becky with the good hair.
 I was like:  "Instincts, you're lying!" 
                     "D, I'm telling you the truth!"
                     "NO! It's not true! J loves me! Instincts! Tell me it's not true!"
                     "I'm so sorry D", Instincts looked away with despair in his eyes. "I hate to be the bringer of bad news but.." Instincts couldn't continue with the #StoriesThatTouch
                     "Oh instincts!" Dami sobs hysterically...
    Dude, of all the names to pick, why Becky? I mean, there was Pearl or even Hepatitah!! I confronted you and you confirmed my fears, I was actually Becky. I was so calm about it. I admire how calm I was. I didn't even cry. I wonder why. And then I gave you an ultimatum: Her or Me.
    You picked me and I wish you hadn't because I broke your heart not long after or at least I think I did.
    Fast forward to a few months later, we started to drift apart. You were very busy with some stuff I don't remember and it started to affect us. We began to talk less and drift more and I started getting bored. I missed you of course but I realized I did not love you anymore. I remember that at least twice you asked me to send you airtime and I did, I remember being disturbed about it. I remember my bestie not being in support of my relationship with you despite our being on the same page about almost everything else. I remember that sometimes our conversations were hollow and empty with no depth. How could a love like that last? Sometimes I was uncomfortable with somethings you said but I said nothing because I loved you and love is about sacrifice, I mean we were going to get married and have kids. We never fought, never argued or had fall outs. We were always happy with each other. What a fairy tale.  I mean how unreal could life get. I remember the only time we met during our relationship. It was at the church I attended at that time. Our meeting was very brief, like 5 minutes but I can't wrap my mind about the fact that you expected me to kiss you there and then, in the open. I was so embarrassed plus I was at church! Of course I disagreed!! As I watched you walk away, a chord stroke deep within me and I thought there had to be more to this love thing.
    As cliché as this may sound, I never meant to hurt you. I just got bored, I think, and staying in love was harder than falling in it. Since we only met once before we broke up and once after, I can't say I missed your smile or the way you lifted one brow or any other physical features. I barely recognize you on Facebook the last time I saw your picture! The way we held on wasn't life and I'm glad it's over.
 I wish you all the good things in life,


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