Some Nights

7:34 pm

    Have you ever whined and cried for something so bad but when you got it, you wondered why you asked? I've been asking God for some things for about 4-5 months and now that I have them, I wonder why I really wanted them. I asked for freedom, now it’s too much. I asked for money, now it’s too much. I'm not used to having so much that I don’t know what to do with it. I asked for my own space and now, it’s lonely. I used to stay in an apartment with 7 girls and sometimes it got really rowdy but they kept me sane. They kept me safe. Now that I'm not on my own, I really don’t know what I should be doing.
Being with like-minded people does something to you. You tend to have the same ideologies on matters in a general sense. Now that I don’t live with them, my mind has begun to roam free. And now, I am confused.
    I just turned 21 which means I'm meant to get my act together, be grown up and responsible. I have to know what I want to do with my life. I have to stand fiercely for something or fall for anything. I’ve been asking myself if the life I’ve lived for the past 4 years is the one I want to live for the next 70. I’ve been asking myself what I really want. I've been asking myself who I really am. And who I want to be.
    I'm not a feminist. I’m sorry ladies, I don’t care about women’s rights strongly enough to base my life on it. I'm not a human or child rights activist. I am passionate about women and children’s rights but not so much to live for it all my days. I'm not a lawyer. I've “studied” law for almost 5 years and my love for it has only reduced over time. I'm not a slay queen or a fashionista..
    For the past 4 years, I've slowly but surely began to stand for Christ and I haven’t regretted it. Not one bit. B U T, the older I got, the more enticing the world got and now it’s like the world is after me. Literally. From boys to success to money to friends. In the midst of all this, I'm still asking myself this question..
    What do I stand for?

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